*Warning: If you aren’t interested in a raw, unfiltered, honest conversation about reproductive struggles, you will want to sit this blog post out* If you’re still here, thank you. This Dear Diary…a Birth Control Recap is going to get a bit graphic. I don’t intend it to scare anyone or to make you feel sorry for me. The purpose of this is to share my real experience over the last 3 weeks. To give a vulnerable glimpse into what this process really looks like. I’ll tell you upfront that despite hearing stories from many who have gone through this, nothing truly prepares you for what your body actually goes through. Everyone’s experience is different, though I’m positive lots of us girls can say ‘me, too‘ to many of the things I’ll admit to.

Assumptions

Three weeks isn’t that long. Most of the female population takes, or has taken, birth control at some point in their life so it won’t be a big deal. If I keep working out and eating the same, there’s no way I’ll gain any weight during this time. If so & so can do this, I totally can. The girls I see on Instagram seem to be making this process pretty easy looking and glamourous so it can’t be too bad. Any side effects I have are just preparing me for eventual motherhood.

Realities

Time felt like it stood still. My body apparently isn’t a fan of the un-natural addition of hormone regulation to itself. Bloat is a real thing. The reason someone ‘can’ do this is because the *hopeful* end result is 1000x worth the upfront pain & suffering. Instagram is only a highlight reel and filters skew things a lot. While the side effects may be a precursor to motherhood to some extent, it doesn’t lessen the sucky-ness {not a word I’m aware} of them.

My Side Effects

I had them all. A few of them I wasn’t prepared for. But literally google ‘side effects of birth control‘ and I experienced just about every single one. Yay me.

Weight Gain – just 2-3lbs but it felt like ‘fluffy’ weight. Like wtf my stomach doesn’t usually look like this when I do core workouts. Those extra few pounds went directly to my lower stomach.
Sore Boobs – I’m a 34B on a really good day {i.e. a few days a month during my period}. Well I have been a FULL 34B since about day 5 of the pills. And they HURT SO BAD. They felt/still kind of feel: tender, sore, painful, bruised, uncomfortable. I had to wear my tightest sports bras for runs because of it.
Insomnia/Night Sweats – usually I’m a great sleeper; averaging 7.5 – 8 hours/night easily. Well not since day 1. I averaged about 5.5 over the last 3 weeks. Only 1 night in 21 was I over 8 and only 2 more was I over 7 hours. Top that off with having to change my pjs multiple nights in the dead middle of the night because I was legit soaked in sweat. I’d wake up super itchy too. So fun.
Headaches – not every day, thankfully. I did have a few gnarly ones. It’s crazy how much worse a chemically-induced headache feels in comparison to a stress, etc.- type of headache. At least for me.
Spotting – maybe someone warned me about this one, but I don’t think so. *Sorry to overshare* but I basically needed a panty liner almost daily. Something I haven’t had to wear since my miscarriage.

Dear Diary…a Birth Control Recap

It sucked. The time felt more like 3 months vs. just 3 weeks. 21 days might not seem like much but when you’re anxious, nervous, antsy, worried, scared and everything else…it’s forever. I pray every spare minute of every day that this is going to work. That this will be the first and ONLY time I will have to take birth control. Because if it is, it means I produced enough eggs. It means those eggs have turned into real, viable embryos. A viable embryo then turn into a baby.

The hope…

The hope is that if a baby someday comes from this then it will be worth every pill swallowed, every needle shoved into my body, every dollar spent. And then maybe, just maybe, it won’t feel so much like my body is broken. Maybe for once I won’t feel like I am a failure. That my reproductive system isn’t worthless. Maybe I won’t feel like I’m not holding up my end of promising to give Kyle a family. This infertility journey is excruciating. The road we are forced to walk is dark. It’s lonely. It is isolating. And it is heartbreaking. So incredibly heartbreaking. Unfair? Sure, I’ve said that word in my mind a thousand times. But I’d bare this unfairness 100x over if it keeps one of my sisters from knowing this pain. 1 in 4 miscarry and I pray all the time that I was that 1 in 4 for my sisters and I. That I fulfilled that statistic so they never have to.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, THANK YOU. If you understand any of the feelings or experiences I shared, I am so sorry. This is not something I’d wish upon my worst of enemies. If you cannot relate to any of the above, say a quick thank you. Have little {or big} ones near you right now? Give them a hug for me. Tell them you love them. Because gosh dang I cannot wait for the day that I can do that. xox