A few of you noticed my lack of blog posts last week. Even more of you sent DMs on Instagram just ‘checking in’ because my stories seemed a bit off. Well, some of you are pretty dang intuitive. If you didn’t notice, don’t worry. It was my goal to make things look as normal as possible. This is not a post I really expected to have to write. And it’s not the update I intended to be giving. Especially not the timing I thought I’d be giving any kind of update. But here we are. Our IVF Journey: Transfer Update. Because struggling alone is hard. And I know we’re not alone. Even if it feels like it. In the spirit of honesty, writing this is making me nauseas.

Our transfer failed.

I am not pregnant. Not exactly sure how else to put it. Maybe I could be less blunt. But it is what it is. According to statistics women under 35 have a ~54% success rate per IVF transfer. Apparently I fell into the 46% who did not see that success. After 2 weeks of medication and 4 days of progesterone-in-oil shots, the transfer attempt was made. We chose to implant 2 embryos. 8 days later, I went in for my Beta test to determine if either, or both embryo had ‘stuck.’ Two hours after my blood draw we got the call. And I can still hear the sadness in our doctor’s voice on the other end of the phone. She said she was so sorry. But there was no baby. There were no babies. And just like that the world caved in around us.

Me, hopeful, immediately after the beta blood draw.

Infertility is a thief.

Struggling with infertility over the last 6 years has hardened my heart. And I think it has hardened Kyle’s to some extent too. Although he’s always positive. But I think some of that is just a façade. A face and attitude he puts on to make sure I don’t drown. There was a glimmer of hope after positive news from the initial medication and shot phases. From the retrieval itself. And from the fertilization of the eggs to the number that turned into blastocysts. But a part of me, a large part, was skeptical about the transfer. Something was telling me it wouldn’t work. Maybe that was my intuition. Or maybe it was me attempting to protect myself from bad news. Except I think the main reason is because we’ve been told NO nonstop for 6+ years.

Will I ever be joyful about anything pregnancy-related? I error on the side of no. But not because I don’t want to be. More so because I’m not sure how many more times my heart can be broken. And I don’t say that to garner sympathy. Because I’m not looking for that. Also, I know that there are thousands of women who can relate to everything I am writing. And there are more than a few followers who have experienced the exact same repetitive heartbreak. So to each of you…I am sorry. And I wish I could give you a huge hug.

Our IVF Journey Next Steps…

The saying about try trying again is from an old nursery rhyme I think. And that’s about the best way to put it. Because we can’t stop now. We are in it for the long haul. Or until we run out of money. Because that’s realistically what will come first. Our bank accounts will be fully drained before our hearts will. That’s how life is. So we move on. And we try to pick up the pieces. Bad news is nothing new for us. Negative pregnancy tests are the norm. No baby is no shock. But even still, we’ll try again. Because there are 8 embryos left and God’s delay is not His denial. At least we pray with all our hearts it isn’t.

There are next steps in play as I type. New plans and protocols. And while I won’t be sharing the intricate details, you at least now have a deeper glimpse into our journey. When I said ‘this is where I leave you’ a few weeks back, I fully intended to have positive news to share when I resurfaced. But this is the reality of infertility. Our IVF Journey: Transfer Update was not planned to take this turn. But it did. The sadness is still almost unbearable at times. And the wounds are still open. I sometimes wonder if I’ll just run out of tears eventually. Kyle and I are competitors. We’re athletes, warriors. Giving up has never been an option in any aspect of our lives. So it definitely is not an option in this.

· xox, Kristin ·